Teen Power brings you Phoenix Ray — Remember the character Elaine Vassal on Ally McBeal who would invent off the wall youth-enhancing gimmicks like face bras and ice goggles? Phoenix Ray is sorta like that. Phoenix has come up with an invention called the "youth alarm" for which she's seeking a patent. Instead of recording body temperature, the device (which is best inserted in the rectal cavity) tells you if you're slipping in degrees off the Teen Power scale. A lot of things can come into a play - laugh lines, melanoma spots, yellowing teeth, cancer odor, you name it. The moment one of these incipient old age maladies is first detected, Phoenix's device will sound off an alert much like a car alarm and remedial work can be performed as soon as humanly possible to avert a potentially date-ruining situation. According to Phoenix, there's nothing a man fears worse than the fact that his chick is losing her grip on Teen Power. The second worst thing is having sex with a woman in her Twenties. Sheeeeeeesh.